Falling Again
by mikamilk
Summary: Elliot/Erik. Asher hasnt forgiven Erik for what happened and is out for revenge. Things arent looking bright for Erik, will he be able to handle it? contains dark themes, suicide, self harm.
1. Chapter 1

Falling Again

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.

NOTE: Set post Season 3 and is unrelated from Season 4. I hope you enjoy the first chapter, please leave me reviews to let me know what you think!

WARNING: Spoilers Season 1, 2, 3. Dark themes, self harm, language.

oOo

Chapter One

The first thing Erik van der Woodsen did when he was discharged from the Ostroff Centre, was pay a visit to a local supermarket, to make a purchase he knew he would regret—a pen knife. He paid with cash and discarded the receipt in a public trash can. The knife sat safely in his blazer pocket and ironically, this sharp blade gave him the familiar sense of security he had been craving to regain.

At Ostroff, Erik had been 'robbed' of all potentially harmful objects; razors, cords, phones, even his fingernails were clipped on a regular basis. At the morning and evening round of meds, someone would stand in front of him and stay there, until they witnessed the anti-depressants clearly pass down his throat. He had sat in countless family therapy sessions in which he kept his mouth closed, only opening it to say what the councilor or his mother wanted to hear. Now that he was out, he no longer had anyone taking away his belongings or checking if he had taken his pills or not. The outpatient program involved a series of family therapy sessions, however Lily van der Woodsen had cancelled last minute on all of them because of her 'tight schedule'. Erik couldn't be more grateful for his mother and sister's drama-filled lives which kept them so busy that he was only a shadow in their lives.

Erik once again sat on the tiled floor of his bathroom. Lily was out with Rufus, Serena was still in Paris with Blair and Jenny was in Hudson. Erik opened a cupboard under the sink and reached behind his hair gels to retrieve his hidden pen knife.

Erik pulled one arm out of his shirt, leaning his back against the cool bathroom wall. Pushing the blade out, Erik began to carve into his arm. Droplets of blood surfaced then slid down his pale skin. With each incision, bitter memories invaded his mind.

'_Erik has put a strain onto our family…'_

'_Get this faggot out of here!'_

'_The problem isn't Jenny, it's what you've become…'_

'_Erik's lying…'_

'_You aren't my brother.'_

'_Not by choice.'_

Erik bit his lip and shakily put his blade down. Crimson blood covered his arm and some of it had splattered onto the pristine tiles. He reached for some tissues and carelessly wiped the blood from his arm then took a towel to wipe the tiles clean. He cleaned his knife and replaced it back in it's allocated spot in the cupboard. As he closed the cupboard door, he heard some movement from the living room.

"Erik! We're home!"

Erik hastily shoved his arm back into his shirt. The cuts hadn't stopped bleeding quite yet and he prayed it wouldn't stain his sleeve. If it did, he would get rid of it—he had more than enough shirts anyway.

"Erik? Are you here?"

Erik sighed, buttoning his shirt as he made his way out of his room and down the stairs.

"Hi Mum, hi Rufus," Erik greeted with a casual smile, stepping into the living room.

"There you are," Lily said. "Well, Rufus and I had a delightful dinner."

"That's great."

"You should've joined us Erik," Rufus stated, dumping a dozen shopping bags onto the table.

"Sorry, I had some stuff to do," Erik said halfheartedly.

Lily walked over to the table and lifted a shopping bag out from the pile. "Erik, we dropped by Ralph Lauren and got you a polo. Try it on, you'll love it."

"Oh, thanks," Erik said. He watched Lily unwrap the polo and hold it out for him to see. Indeed, it was something he would like, only if it weren't short sleeved.

"Now E, change into this," Lily told Erik, passing the polo to her son. "It's definitely more summer-like than what you've got on now. Put that away until autumn."

"Actually, I feel kind of cold right now so I might wear this some other time," Erik replied, taking the piece of clothing that was being offered to him.

"Have you caught a cold or something?" Rufus asked, arching his brow.

"No no, I'm fine."

"Shall we call someone to see you?" Lily asked rather unenthusiastically.

"I'm not sick," Erik assured.

"But—"

"I'm fine, okay?" Erik said, a bit too forcefully. "I-I probably just set the air conditioning in my room too low, or something…"

Lily and Rufus stared at him wordlessly.

"Sorry, I'm tired and school starts again tomorrow. I'll be going back to my room if that's okay," Erik mumbled, turning to leave before Lily or Rufus could respond.

oOo

Just like there are the 'Mean Girls' there are also the 'Mean Boys'. And just like there is a Queen Bee, there is also a King whom also takes pleasure in picking and choosing the yearly victims. This year, there was a particular target he had in mind; one that he had wanted to destroy for years. Finally, the greatest opportunity had arisen for just that.

"We're really gonna go for van der Woodsen?"

"You bet. He's always done his best to stay out of trouble, but we'll show him he can be a part of all the fun. His sister left a legend at Constants, maybe he will too at St. Judes."

"But Asher, do you have a plan?"

"Was that a mildly amusing joke? Of course I have a plan. I'm sure our little friend, Jonathan Whitney might just want to have a chat with us…"

oOo

Erik threw his bedroom door shut and sunk down onto his bed. He covered his face with his hands, cursing his inability of self-control. He was finding that his days were becoming increasingly harder to deal with. He was sick of lies, betrayal, guilt, responsibility, existence. In the past few years, things had been bearable, even enjoyable, but he was spiraling again; like that time four years ago when he'd committed the irreversible act.

The urge to cut again almost prevailed when Erik's cell phone began to vibrate, a wan glow emanating from the screen in the dark room. Erik picked up his cell and looked at the name blinking back at him.

_**~~Elliot~~**_

Hurriedly, Erik answered the call with a nervous 'hello?'.

"Hey, it's Elliot."

"Hey," Erik replied, trying to calm himself.

"You alright?" Elliot's voice said. "You sound off."

"Really? Maybe the reception's bad?"

"Oh." There was a short silence before Elliot's voice returned. "So, I was wondering if we can have breakfast tomorrow before school."

"Yeah sure," Erik replied, a small smile appearing on his lips.

"Cool, thought a good start to our final year at school might be just what we need," Elliot laughed. "And I wanted to make it up to you for being away all summer."

"Don't worry bout it," Erik insisted. "But what you _do_ have to do is tell me all about your family vacation at breakfast tomorrow."

"Will do," Elliot agreed. "Pick you up at seven?"

"Okay, see you at seven."

"Night Erik."

"Night."

After hanging up, Erik fell backward onto his pillows, throwing his arms out lazily and closing his eyes. Apparently, tonight Erik van der Woodsen might be getting some sleep in a warm bed rather than spending the night with a pen knife in his cold bathroom.

oOo

The following day, fresh, warm morning sun shone pleasantly against the backs of Erik and Elliot who were dining al fresco.

"—and this is the beach I told you about over the phone," Elliot was saying, pushing a button on his digital camera to flick to the next photograph.

Erik leant over to peer at the photo, a broad smile on his face. Elliot wrapped an arm over Erik's shoulder as Erik looked into the camera. Spending time with Elliot had an amazing effect on him; being with Elliot meant he could be himself. But there was one thing he still hadn't told Elliot—about his suicide attempt and his self harm. Erik sighed, he would have to say it soon but there had to be the right time to say it.

"You okay?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah," Erik replied, giving Elliot a reassuring smile. He sat back and took a gulp of his café au lait. "Why?"

"Oh, I just thought you looked like you wanted to say something," Elliot explained.

"It's nothing really," Erik said with a small laugh.

It was then that Erik saw someone coming toward their table out of the corner of his eye. He turned to take a better look and instantly wished that he hadn't. Erik jolted as he recognized the person, almost spilling his coffee from the surprise.

The person rapidly approached the table and in no time was standing before Erik. "Well, look who we have here."

"Asher, what are you doing here?" Erik said in a low voice, putting his cup gently back on the table.

Without warning, Asher grabbed the front of Erik's shirt, pulling him forward.

"Trying to be tough uh? Do you remember the stunt you and Blair Waldorf pulled on me back then?" Asher hissed into Erik's face.

"Hey, let go of him!" Elliot intervened, getting to his feet.

"You ruined my life and _you_ are going to fucking pay for it," Asher continued. "Just thought I might warn you."

Erik pulled away, knocking his chair over as he stumbled backwards. Elliot was ready to throw a fist into Asher's face but Asher whipped around and stalked out of the café onto the crowded street.

Erik frowned as he picked up the fallen chair while Elliot dealt with an anxious waitress who had rushed to see what was happening.

"—yes, I apologize for the commotion…Yes, no—nobody was injured. Can we get the bill? We'd like to leave now."

"Elliot, sorry," Erik murmured.

Elliot shook his head, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. "Hey, it's okay."

The two then paid for the meal and began walking to St. Judes.

"That was Asher Hornsby right?" Elliot asked.

Erik gave him a subdued nod in confirmation.

"I'm guessing he's not a friend?" Elliot delved.

Again, Erik gave his boyfriend a nod accompanied this time with a deep sigh. "Not exactly a friend, no. Elliot, h-he's my ex, from years ago. I don't know what he wants and what all that was about at the café."

"Oh, okay. Well, from what I could tell, that Asher guy was pretty angry," Elliot said thoughtfully. "Well, let me know if he causes anymore trouble for you."

"Thanks."

The two boys came to a halt at the foot of the stairs at St. Judes. Erik was about to say bye to Elliot and enter the school when he was caught with yet another ugly surprise. His eyes grew wide and his stomach twisted as his eyes fell upon Jonathan at the top of the steps, kissing Ben, the swim team captain.

"Elliot, I should go in," Erik whispered hurriedly, casting his eyes to the ground.

"Erik, wait—" As Erik turned to climb the steps, Elliot grasped his shoulder, leaning down to give him a kiss. "Love you. Call you later okay?"

"Okay, see ya."


	2. Chapter 2

Falling Again

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.

NOTE: Set post Season 3 and is unrelated from Season 4. Here's chapter two. I hope you enjoy!

WARNING: Spoilers Season 1, 2, 3. Dark themes, self harm, language.

oOo

Chapter Two

Those who were selected as 'the victims' knew exactly who they were the moment they walked through the gates of St. Judes. Once they crossed that threshold, the battle was on.

Erik was walking to his locker, weaving his way through the masses of his peers when literally, a human wall blocked his path. Erik sighed and took a deep breath.

"Um, can I get through?" Erik said with a twinge of frustration and when he received no response, Erik stepped forward to try and push past the boys surrounding him.

Several hands immediately grabbed him, holding him still. Erik instinctively threw a kick which successfully struck a pair of legs. For that, he was repaid with harsh fisted blows. Other students began crowding around to watch the bashing, hoping to capture a few snaps with their cells to send to Gossip Girl. Erik continued struggling but he alone was no match against the ten or so larger boys.

"Do it," one of the boys said amidst the havoc.

Erik blinked and tried to lift his head to see what they all had in mind. However, whether he had seen it coming or not, there was no changing the fact that he was now dripping with a sticky substance—coffee. Steaming _hot _coffee in fact.

Laughter roared in Erik's ears as the boys scattered into the school building. Erik stood up slowly, feeling all eyes on his back and loud whispers rising amongst the bystanders. Keeping his own eyes on the ground ahead of him, Erik started walking in the direction of the bathroom; he would have to clean what he could of the coffee before class. That was all he could do for now.

_Spotted: a round of drinks for E—over his head. Last year was yogurt from the girls, this year it's coffee from the boys. Has something from the past come back to bite Erik van der Woodsen…? _

oOo

The coffee incident was only a taste of what was to follow. The attacks were ceaseless and grew worse with each coming day. Erik spent his days at school cleaning gum off his locker, digging in trash cans for his textbooks, being sprayed with ketchup and enduring repeated bashings. One particularly bad time, Erik found himself wiping the word 'FAG' off of his locker where it had been sprayed with large, thick letters for everyone to see. Everywhere he went, there would be an attack waiting and with no doubt Gossip Girl would blast almost as soon as it happened.

From his seat in the classroom, Erik stared at the long hand ticking away on the clock. Three more seconds and he would be out of here. Three…two…_one_!

The bell rang and the teacher's voice was drowned out as the students began chatting and getting ready to leave. By the time the bell stopped ringing, Erik was already out of the classroom and sprinting through the corridor to his locker. He grabbed his bag, slammed the locker door and made a break for the school gates. This race to get out of school had become a customary routine for Erik. He ran without looking up although he could hear people yelling at him; things like 'dickhead', 'loser', 'fuck you'. As he ran, something struck his head and began trickling down his neck. It smelt good but definitely felt bad—it was honey.

Without turning to see who had thrown the condiment at him, Erik continued running. The public humiliation was overwhelming but escaping from anything more being thrown at him somehow transcended the humiliation. Erik shot through the gates, out onto the street and slipped into a side alley.

"Wait!" a voice shouted from behind him.

"Hell no!" Erik yelled back.

"No, Erik it's me!"

Suddenly recognizing the voice, Erik stopped abruptly and turned around.

"Oh, hey Serena. You're back from France."

"Yeah, I just landed," Serena said as she approached her brother.

Erik averted his eyes as Serena's met his directly. "What brings you to St. Judes?" Erik asked.

Serena hesitated then pulled her phone out of her handbag. "I had no access overseas and when I got back and saw this—," she said as she navigated her phone to display . "—Erik, what's going on?"

"Actually, I don't really care what's going on. What I care about right now is that I seriously need to take a shower before this honey's permanently stuck to my hair," Erik mumbled. "Serena, is anyone at home?"

Serena nodded. "Mum and Rufus have some clients over…"

"Shit." Erik dug in his pocket for his cell and began punching the keypad rapidly. A few seconds later the cell beeped with a reply to the text he had just sent. After reading the reply, Erik pocketed his phone and looked up again. "I'm gonna go to Elliot's place to borrow his shower, like I did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that…Why does there _always_ have to be someone at home? Is our house that popular?"

"Erik, we _are_ the van der Woodsens you know," Serena reminded Erik bluntly. "So Mum and Rufus don't know?"

"Of course they don't know," Erik answered, crossing his arms. "I'm sure Mum would just love to hear that her reputation is at stake again because her son is _the_ centre of public humiliation at St. Judes."

"Erik it's not about her reputation—"

"It isn't?" Erik interjected. "I think I've learnt that it's always about her reputation when she lied about me being in Miami when I was in Ostroff."

Serena closed her mouth, unable to think of a response to Erik's statement. She gazed at her brother who was leaning against the wall in clear exhaustion. Serena stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Erik's shoulders.

"You'll get honey on you," Erik said, pulling away but Serena shook her head, refusing to let go.

"I don't mind. Erik, I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you…again."

"That's okay, it's not your fault," Erik said. "I should get a cab to Elliot's place."

"Okay," Serena said, stepping back. "Talk at home later then?"

"Yeah," Erik replied.

The two van der Woodsens walked out onto the busy street. Serena watched Erik climb into a cab and stood there until the cab turned a corner and was out of sight. It hit her then that she had been completely caught up in herself when she had thought she came back to the Upper East Side for Erik. Maybe Erik had only been an excuse for her to come back and force herself to face her friends again. This time she would think twice before taking off somewhere, she wouldn't make the same mistake again.

oOo

The following day, Erik arrived to school early in an attempt to avoid making a scene before class. To his disappointment, there was someone already waiting for him at the lockers. As soon as Erik realized this, he turned on his heel to leave but a hand clasped his shoulder to prevent him from escaping.

"You're not putting up much of a fight."

Erik shook the hand off his shoulder and took a step back to keep a safe distance. "What do you want Jonathan?"

"I know you must have some tricks up your sleeve, like the time you went up against Queen Bee Miss Humphrey," Jonathan breathed. "Or maybe you were just hiding behind her the whole time. Now she's gone you can't do a thing, is that it?"

"That's not true," Erik murmured.

"Really?" Jonathan scoffed. "So it doesn't bother you if I do _this_?"

Erik ducked but wasn't quick enough to dodge the book Jonathan threw. "I thought you dumped me cos you hated this kind of thing!" Erik said in exasperation, straightening himself again. "Scheming, lying—"

"Well, maybe," Jonathan muttered. "I just want you to get a taste of your own medicine."

"I only did all that for you! I was so angry at Jenny and the girls for egging you at the party. I mean, I could bare them throwing yogurt on me but I couldn't just stand back and watch them do that to you!" Erik shouted and to his surprise, Jonathan showed a flash of hesitation.

"I-I know," Jonathan suddenly confessed, the look of indifference faltering momentarily.

"What do you mean?" Erik asked, taking another step back.

"Look, Erik…" Jonathan paused, uncertain whether to go on or not.

"What?" Erik urged, his hands beginning to shake by his sides.

"I…I was only waiting for an excuse to leave you," Jonathan finally spat out.

Erik gaped, confused at what his ex-boyfriend was telling him. "An excuse?"

"Yes! A bloody excuse!" Jonathan blurted. "I was waiting for something like that to be the reason for dumping you!"

"Why?" Erik said, his voice barely audible.

"…because—" Jonathan faltered yet again, turning away from Erik.

"Just spit it out will you?" Erik yelled.

"Fine!" Jonathan yelled, piercing Erik with an icy glare. "I never left Ben. I was dating him the whole time, even after you found out I was cheating on you! There, happy now?"

Erik couldn't believe what he was hearing. Happy? After being told that the one he had loved even after being cheated on, the one he had forgiven and gotten back with had still continued cheating on him? Oh hardly.

Erik turned and left the room; without turning back, without a single word, without hope, just completely empty. He walked through the hallways that were gradually filling with more students. He didn't care that they were sneering and pointing at him, all he wanted was to be alone. So he kept walking until he was in front of the sports shed, located at the very back of the campus. Here he wouldn't be disturbed. Erik pushed the door open, walked in and closed it behind him, leaving him in darkness.

He leant heavily against the door, his knees folding underneath him as he slid down to the floor. He simply wanted to scream but also felt like he had no energy to do that. He hugged his legs to his chest, burying his head in his arms.

He wanted a razor _now. _However, he hadn't brought one to school, so Erik thrust his bag open and searched for something, anything that could act as a substitute. Unlike the rest of his life, cutting was something that nobody else could control—only he had that power for that. No one could take it away from him.


	3. Chapter 3

Falling Again

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.

NOTE: Set post Season 3 and is unrelated from Season 4. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy chapter three!

WARNING: Spoilers Season 1, 2, 3. Dark themes, self harm, language, drug abuse.

oOo

Chapter Three

Lily was sitting on the sofa with her legs crossed, reading through some paperwork for Bass Industries, when she heard the 'ting' of the elevator. She put her papers down and took off her reading glasses as Serena entered the apartment.

"Serena, you're home early tonight," Lily observed, giving her daughter a kiss on the cheek.

"Mum, I was looking for Erik," Serena said. "Is he home?"

"You seem to always be looking for Erik lately," Lily commented before shaking her head. "No he's not home. You just missed him in fact."

"He went out?"

"Yes, a boy named—Asher was it?—came by about twenty minutes ago saying that there was a party Erik hadn't bothered to inform me about," Lily explained as she began running her eyes over her paperwork again. "Serena, is Asher another boyfriend? Honestly I only thought Erik's, well, _sexuality_ was just a phase that would pass you know…"

"Mum," Serena burst. "I thought you accepted it."

"Only because I thought he would come to realize it's not the best choice," Lily retorted.

"How can you say that?" Serena said in disbelief. "How can _you_ decide for_ him_ whether it's the best choice?"

"Serena, you don't understand I'm only trying to protect him—"

"Actually, I think it's you who doesn't understand Mum," Serena cut in, turning back toward the elevator. "No wonder Erik's so unhappy right now. I'm going to go look for him. Bye."

"Erik's what? Serena!" Lily gasped, getting to her feet but her daughter had already vanished behind the elevator doors.

oOo

A limo pulled up in front of a lively club. After letting the two passengers off, the chauffeur drove off again.

"Asher, what are you doing?" asked Erik with a deep sigh.

"Just escorting you to my party," Asher replied simply.

"Seriously, don't you have a better pastime than scheming against me?" Erik muttered. He hadn't even heard of this so-called 'party' until Asher invited himself into his penthouse earlier, announcing he had come to 'pick Erik up for the party' in front of Lily, leaving Erik no choice but to play along. "Well, I don't mean to let you down but I'm not interested in attending so can I go now?" With that, Erik turned his back to the club and began walking away.

"Wait," Asher hissed, gripping Erik's arm. "Why don't we make a deal?"

"A deal?" Erik repeated wearily. "Why is it that I have a feeling I don't want to hear it?"

"If you just stay for this party I won't ever bother you again," Asher continued, ignoring Erik.

Erik's breath caught in his throat. If he just hung in there for tonight he would be freed from the seemingly endless wrath of Asher he suffered every waking minute. All he had to do was just sit in a corner of this club and stay out of trouble for a few hours. Maybe Asher's deal wasn't as bad as he had presumed. What was there to lose anyway?

"Having second thoughts now?" Asher said.

After a moment of silent contemplation, Erik finally nodded. "Fine."

"Done," Asher said with a wide grin. Then, Asher began steering Erik toward the entrance of the club. "What are we waiting for? Let the party begin!"

_Spotted: A, fashionably late to his own party, but he's not empty-handed. Watch out E, I think A might have a grand finale for everyone to see. Well, let me tell you this; I'm glad I'm not the one in A's bad books, aren't you? _

The club—much to Erik's misfortune—was full of familiar faces from St. Judes. Naturally, this meant as soon as Erik and Asher entered the club they were in the spotlight. The boys cheered Asher, aka King, and jeered at Erik. The majority of the club was already wasted, causing them to be far more brutal than they already were at school. Erik focused on resisting the urge to lash back as he was spat at and shoved at roughly; he knew fighting back would only invigorate the attacks. After all, if Asher kept his word, this pain would all be worth it by tomorrow morning.

Erik, distracted by the ambushes, realized he had lost sight of Asher in the crowd. He took this as a chance to seek out a place he wouldn't be found so easily. So, Erik forced his way through the sea of drunk teenagers toward a dark corner of the club. He discovered a dimly lit spot at the bar which was hidden from the main area of the club and decided here he would be relatively safe.

Erik slipped onto the tall stool and released a sigh of temporary relief. He slid an elbow onto the bar and rested his chin in his palm, feeling a dull ache in his head.

"Looks like you're in need of a drink," a voice suddenly said from opposite the bar.

Erik snapped his head up to see a friendly bartender offering him a tall glass. "Oh, yeah. Thank you, you might be right."

"This'll help you loosen up," the bartender said with a smile as he passed the drink he'd just mixed over to Erik.

There wasn't enough light for Erik to see clearly what he was given but it appeared to be something like a blue-ish cocktail. All Erik cared about at the time was getting some alcohol in his system to help pass the time. It didn't take him long to drain the glass which was quickly replaced with another.

Halfway through his third drink, Erik noticed something wasn't feeling quite 'right'. He frowned but took another swig of his drink. The music in the club began ringing in his ears and the hand holding the glass grew heavy. Erik blinked as his vision began to swim. Erik tried desperately to grasp the edge of the bar but his fingers refused to move.

"Oi, Ash," Erik heard the bartender shout as an intense dizziness washed over him.

"You…something in…my drink…" Erik gasped out.

Erik felt his body grow too weak to support his own weight. He lost his balance and began falling when an arm locked around his shoulders. The person who had rescued him proceeded to drag him roughly through a door to an adjoining room. Possibly a small storage area.

Once inside, the arm holding Erik released him and he fell helplessly on the hard floor. The door closed. Erik was breathing heavily, unable to move.

"I see you're enjoying my party."

It was Asher's voice. Erik didn't reply, or rather, _couldn't _due to his labored breathing. He felt giddy.

"You don't have to say anything," Asher assured, leaning over Erik. "I can see exactly what you want to say from the look in your eyes. Don't worry, you don't have to do a thing. All I need you to do is just lay still for me for just a few minutes. You can do that, can't you Erik?"

Panic drove deep into Erik's pounding chest as he stared at his ex-boyfriend's wild sneer. Why couldn't he move? Why was he feeling so sick? What was Asher going to do?

Without warning, Asher took hold of Erik's jacket, ripping it off. He then did the same with the shirt underneath; tearing the material recklessly from Erik's body, not bothering with the buttons.

"I knew you still did this," Asher whispered, taking in the angry scars that covered Erik's shoulders, arms and chest. "After all, I would know that Ostroff doesn't really do to _help _much." And as though to prove his point, Asher fished out some pills from his pocket and threw them in his mouth. Erik winced, reminded of how much Asher had been addicted and how tough the days were for him in the Centre where they kept him clean.

"Now, it's not fair that I'm the only one who knows about _this,_" Asher was saying, tracing a tongue over Erik's fresh wounds. "Just like the time you and Blair played your little joke on me. Now let's see how you feel after I do this…"

Erik felt his mind freeze. Asher had his cell in his hand, hovering it over Erik's exposed body. He heard a beep and saw a lamp blink, then Asher withdrew the cell.

"Wanna see?" Asher asked, holding the cell so Erik had a clear view of the screen. It displayed a photograph of him, showing all of his scars. Asher's thumb moved over the keypad while Erik stared in sheer shock.

**-Send picture by message. -**

**-Are you sure you want to send this message?- **

**-Yes.-**

**-Message Sent.- **

"Thanks for the tip, Erik," Asher murmured, looking oh-so-smug and satisfied. "Now, you'll know never to go against me again, _ever_!"

oOo

Serena stepped off the elevator and was hastily making her way to the exit when she almost collided into someone running toward the elevator. That 'someone' turned out to be a young lady with long blonde hair and mascaraed eyes, adorning a black bowler hat, grey coat and pink scarf.

"Jenny!"

"Serena!"

"Where's Erik?" the two girls said in unison followed by a mirrored look of worry.

"Sorry Jenny, I meant to say—what are you doing here?" Serena corrected herself.

"Yeah, hi. Well, I've seen everything on Gossip Girl and Erik's been avoiding all my messages and he won't pick up skype either," Jenny explained in a rush of words, "and I finally convinced Mum to let me come down and be here for him because obviously no one's making an effort to fix things."

"Yeah, I know," Serena said guiltily. "Well he's not at home. Mum just told me he's with Asher."

"What?" Jenny exclaimed. "We need to find him now!"

At that moment, someone called over to them from the doorway. "I'd like to help too."

Jenny and Serena spun around to see the owner of the voice. "Elliot?" they both said simultaneously.

"Erik won't answer his cell," Elliot said anxiously as he approached the step sisters.

"Where should we look first?" asked Serena, running a hand though her blonde curls.

"Hmm…" Jenny whipped her phone out, staring hard at the screen for a few moments before dropping it back in her handbag. "I think I have an idea about where he might be."


	4. Chapter 4

Falling Again

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.

NOTE: Set post Season 3 and is unrelated from Season 4. Again, thanks so much for reading and thank you so much for the reviews! Please let me know how you think of this chapter!

WARNING: Spoilers Season 1, 2, 3. Dark themes, self harm, language, drug abuse.

REVIEWS:

Guschdel1: Wow, I'm so glad to know you like my story! And about Jenny, she hasn't seen the picture of Erik's body yet. I've tried to make that clearer in this chapter, I hope it works! Thank you so much for the review!

Issa: Your review was really encouraging! Thank you! I'm so happy to know you like my story so far. I hope you'll like this next chapter I've finally posted. Thanks again!

oOo

Chapter Four

"I think I have an idea about where he might be," Jenny said.

"Really? Where?" Serena asked urgently.

"Just—come on," Jenny replied as she lead the way to exit the building with Serena and Elliot hurriedly following after her.

As she passed through the door, Jenny winked at Vanya, the doorman, who already had a cab waiting for the three of them. They all piled in and the cab pulled out.

"…yes, keep going straight, theeeen the second right then the first left," Jenny was saying to the driver.

"Jenny?"

"Yes Elliot?" Jenny said, glancing at Elliot's reflection in the front mirror. She had gotten into the passenger seat while Elliot and Serena rode in the back.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"Here," Jenny replied, pointing a manicured finger at her cell phone.

Elliot and Serena both leant forward to peak over Jenny's shoulder at her phone. She was pointing at a photo posted on Gossip Girl.

"Her latest blast," Jenny told them.

"Asher and Erik?" Serena said, squinting at the two figures shown in the photograph.

"Uhuh, they were spotted getting off a limo." Jenny lowered her phone. "I recognized the club in the photo. It's really blurry but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Also, don't forget I _am _Ex-Queen of Constance which means I have more than a few people keeping me in the loop about what's going on in the Upper East Side."

"So you knew about this party?" Serena asked, sounding slightly surprised. Recently, she was feeling as though Jenny knew so much more about Erik than she did, even now when Jenny was out of town. Serena thought back to when she had left to boarding school—she had had no idea what was going on with her family, with Blair, even Erik's suicide attempt had only reached her ears months after the incident.

"Well yeah. I kind of heard some rumours about it," Jenny admitted. "I had a bad feeling about it and practically begged my mum to let me out of the house…Guys we're here."

The cab screeched to a halt. The doors flew open and all three leapt out.

"Looks like you were right," Elliot commented, nodding his head toward the club. He could see through the windows that the club was inundated with partying youths, clearly underage.

"We've got to find Erik," Serena said with determination.

Just as they were about to enter, the cell phones of all three beeped in unison. They all exchanged fearful glances that said 'Gossip Girl' before each cautiously cast their eyes to their various cell phone screens.

There was a moment of complete stillness as the three stood, dumbstruck, gaping at their cells. Nothing could have prepared them for this blast from Gossip Girl.

_Who would have ever guessed? That it was possible to be unsatisfied with your life even when you have everything everyone ever wanted. Clearly, being a _van der Woodsen _isn't enough for E. Don't trust me? I have the photos to prove it… _

_While we're on the topic, I must apologize to all you gossips for some inaccuracy on my part on some deets concerning the Ivy League Mixer. But do not fear, for I finally have the truth. Yes, I have new news on some old news. _

_It seems that S never had a drug addiction, was never a patient at the Ostroff Centre and was in fact covering up for E, who never actually went to Miami and never made it to Heaven either—but woke up in a mental institution instead. _

_Poor E, hope you get what you want…whatever that is. _

_You know you love me. xoxo Gossip Girl _

oOo

After Asher read Gossip Girl's blast, he slowly slipped his cell into his pocket. He rocked back on his heels, closed his eyes and indulged in sweet revenge.

Erik still lay immobile on the cold floor. The room was spinning around him and he felt his heart hammering against his chest, each thump intensifying his need to vomit. He caught a glimpse of Asher with a smirk plastered to his face. All of a sudden, he was struck with fear. Everything was going wrong, _so wrong_. His mind demanded for answers; what was going on and what was going to happen now? But another part of him wanted to know absolutely nothing, just wanted everything to _stop_.

Suddenly, the door to the small storage burst open. Asher jerked and turned to see who the intruders were.

"You bastard! Get away from him!" Elliot roared, grabbing a handful of Asher's collar and pulling him away from his boyfriend.

"Shit, Erik!" Jenny shrieked, kneeling down next to Erik and placing a palm on his bare shoulder. "H-he's cold a-and sweating and is he even breathing?"

"Jenny calm down!" Serena gasped, sounding no less calm than Jenny did. "We need an ambulance!"

"What the hell did you do to Erik?" Elliot seethed through gritted teeth.

"Don't you d-dare call the ambulance," Asher stuttered, shrinking away from Elliot. "If anyone finds out that I—"

"You bastard!" Elliot yelled again, landing a fist in Asher's jaw. "After everything you've done, all you can think about is yourself?" Then, leaving Asher in a stunned heap, Elliot spun around. He was thrown off-guard momentarily, his breath catching in his throat as the sight of Erik's scars filled his eyes; old, deep, fresh, red, swollen, dark, scabbed…

Elliot inhaled and cleared his head. He reached out a shaky hand to confirm the presence of Erik's pulse and breathing. All the while, he kept calling Erik's name in a firm voice.

Erik was taking shallow breaths but briefly met eyes with Elliot. That was enough for now.

"The paramedics are here," Jenny announced nervously.

Elliot lifted his gaze to the door in time to see several men entering. He couldn't understand what they were saying; they were speaking too quickly and in some code language he couldn't comprehend—at least not in his current state of mind. Elliot reluctantly stepped away from Erik as the paramedics swarmed around him, rushing him out of the room.

"Come on, let's go too," Serena prompted, nudging Elliot who was staring blankly. He nodded, his hands subconsciously reaching out to pick up Erik's jacket and torn up shirt which were discarded on the floor.

"Serena, you should stay with Erik," Elliot said once they were outside. "Jenny and I will catch a cab to the hospital."

"Alright," Serena agreed and climbed onto the ambulance which immediately drove away with the siren blaring as it tore through the congested city roads.

Without a word, Elliot and Jenny jumped clumsily into a cab. As the cab began moving, the two saw Asher being marched toward a police car, escorted by two policemen on either side of him.

oOo

When Jenny and Elliot arrived at the hospital, they found Serena sitting at a table with her face in her hands.

"Hey," Jenny murmured as the two joined Serena at the table.

"They're examining Erik now," Serena said, lifting her face. "I was told to wait out here. Mum and Rufus should be arriving soon too."

"I'll go get us all some coffee," Elliot offered.

"Thanks," the girls said, watching Elliot as he made for the cafeteria.

Elliot returned a few minutes later bearing three steaming mugs. They spent who-knows-how-long huddled at the table, sipping coffee and attempting to make some conversation to distract them in some way. Simply waiting was easier said then done; it was excruciating. But finally a nurse breezed over to their table to inform them that Erik would be waking up soon and they were permitted to go and see him.

Serena, Elliot and Jenny slipped through the door to find Erik sitting in a hospital bed, propped up by a large pillow. He was awkwardly fumbling with the white sheets draped over his knees when he noticed them entering the room.

"…Hey," he said shyly, avoiding direct eye contact. "I…I don't know what to say…"

"Erik." Serena sighed in relief, embracing her brother before dropping into a seat next to the bed. "I'm so glad you're fine."

"You don't need to say anything," Elliot promised, squeezing Erik's shoulder lovingly. "Just rest."

"Erik, I was so scared," Jenny murmured, uncharacteristically honest. She briskly brushed away a stray tear that escaped her eye.

"Apparently I'm an expert at screwing up," Erik muttered with a deep sigh, hunching his shoulders.

"No one can blame you for—" Jenny hesitated. "—for any of this."

Erik shook his head. "I do."

"Erik, you aren't responsible," Serena declared sternly.

"How am I _not_?"

"Becau—"

"Hey!" Elliot interjected, giving Serena a firm look as he placed a heavy hand on Erik's arm. "We should discuss this later. Just, not here. It's been a big day and everyone's jittery. We're all exhausted, especially Erik."

There was a moment of silence before Serena leant back in her chair. "Yes, good idea."

Erik frowned, returning to fidgeting with the sheets. Elliot reached down and covered Erik's restless hand with his own when a familiar voice floated into the room from the hallway.

"—no Rufus, I don't know…Look, I thought so too. I would never have dreamt of Erik to engage in, well, such behaviour…No it is not acceptable under any circumstances! There just isn't any legitimate excuse for abusing drugs Rufus…I thought he'd been acting oddly recently but I wasn't expecting…Rufus, he tried to kill himself, he thinks he's gay and now he's experimenting with drugs. Please, when will all of this drama end?"

Erik cringed, biting down on his lower lip.

"O-M-G," Jenny breathed, her eyes flashing with anger.

A pair of stiletto heels appeared through the blinds on the door just the door was swung open to reveal Lily and Rufus.

"Erik's not an addict. He was spiked," Serena said bluntly. Lily drew a short breath to say something but was unable to find any words to say. "What took you both so long?" Serena continued.

"Why don't you take a guess," Rufus suggested, making his way steadily toward the bed.

"Media?" Jenny rather stated than asked.

"Vanya's still trying to clear them out," Lily sighed, also walking to the bed in a hesitant manner. "Look, what you overheard isn't—"

Serena glared at her mother, finishing her sentence. "—isn't what you think?"

"Yes," Lily replied uncomfortably.

"So there _is _a story behind all of this, right?" Rufus asked Erik, giving him a look of genuine concern, something Erik wasn't used to receiving.

"T-there is," Erik admitted. "Just, I'd rather not talk about it now."

Lily took a step forward. "Erik, this can't wait—"

"_Perfectly understandable_," Rufus cut in, drowning Lily's flustered words under his firm voice. "We've been told you're stable now and should go home. However…"

"'Home' might not be what we want right now," Jenny said. "I can tell you now, I'm positive the paparazzi are already organizing a Welcome Home Party as we speak."

"Then where?" Serena said, her eyes wandering the ceiling as though she would find the answers there. "Blair's? The Palace?"

"Yeah sounds really relaxing," Jenny said with sarcasm, rolling her eyes.

"My place."

Abruptly, everyone stopped talking and shifted their gaze toward Elliot.

"I think Erik should stay with me for now."


	5. Chapter 5

Falling Again

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.

NOTE: Set post Season 3 and is unrelated from Season 4. Thank you for the reviews, they really help me to keep writing! Here's chapter five. Merry Christmas!

WARNING: Spoilers Season 1, 2, 3. Dark themes, self harm, language, drug abuse.

REVIEWS:

Issa: Hi! I love reading your reviews! I am definitely hoping to write a scene focusing on Erik and his thoughts. Also I totally agree with you about how he trusts Jenny and I really like their friendship and I want to revive it. Please enjoy chapter five!

LizaGirl: Thank you so much for reviewing! I hope you like this update!

Arianna532: Thank you for reading and your awesome review! I hope you enjoy chapter five!

Guschdel1: Thank you for always reviewing! It really motivates me a lot! Wow, yeah, I was hoping to portray the characters as they are in the TV Series and also I was hoping for that effect with the GG blast too. Please enjoy this update!

oOo

Chapter Five

"…multiple wounds; cuts to arms and upper torso, internal bleeding both mild and severe, possible insomnia and—"

Serena, Rufus and Lily sat rigidly in the doctor's office, listening to the monotonous drone of the physician. For Lily, this wasn't the first time for her to be sitting in Dr. Brown's office. Dr. Brown never disappointed her with his unchanging apathy—disappointingly.

"—ah yes, I checked his file and it suggests that it is highly probable the cuts are self inflicted. You may need to look into revisiting the Ostroff Centre for a readmission." Dr. Brown made a small nodding action with his chin. He sucked in a long breath as he tapped his biro against the clip-board, his spectacled eyes never looking up to make any eye-contact. "Moving onto the intoxication. As I briefly mentioned earlier we detected a mixture of alcoholic substances and drugs…"

The more Dr. Brown spoke, the more Rufus' brow twitched, the worse Lily's head throbbed and the further Serena's manicures dug into her soft palms. The physician's words hung dry and without meaning in the musty air of the office. Frankly, they had heard enough of the doctor's nitty-gritty's and hardly enough of what they really _wanted_ to know. Things like, what had caused all of this to happen? What would prevent it from happening again? What was the best way…the right choice to make now? The harsh truth, however, was that the answers to such mysteries could not be found anywhere in the graphs, numbers and observations listed on Dr. Brown's clip-board. Somewhere, they all knew that the only person who could help Erik was himself.

Dr. Brown flipped a page of his clip-board as he continued to recite the information in front of him. A tediously stretched out fifteen minutes finally passed since the three were called into this office and the doctor began wrapping up.

"…So do you have any questions?"

"Does Erik need a check up?" Serena asked hesitantly after finding nobody else offered to speak.

"No, he's stable. Anything else?"

Serena, Rufus and Lily shook their heads.

"Alrrrright," says Dr. Brown as he gathers Erik's files. "Good luck then."

oOo

Elliot and Jenny were hovering near the nurse's station as they waited for Erik. They had been shooed out of the hospital room for a nurse to perform some final checks on Erik. Lily and Rufus had also brought some spare clothes for Erik to change into.

"You're by far the best boyfriend Erik's had so far," Jenny commented casually, keeping her voice hushed.

Elliot raised an eyebrow. "What makes you think that?"

"I dunno," Jenny muttered. "Possibly because his first boyfriend cheated on him with me and publically humiliated him by calling him a fag and a liar. His second BF also cheated on him, with some guy from St. Judes and dumped him because he never actually broke off the relationship with that guy—oh and also he kinda kept flirting with me too. Maybe I'm kinda a little bit responsible for that cos I might've started it but…also—"

"Okay right, I think I get it," Elliot interjected.

"Well, there's one piece of advice," Jenny stated, throwing Elliot a sideways glance. "You might want to talk to Erik. Spend a bit more time with him and actually get to know each other. Erik isn't the type of guy you'd find just anywhere, especially not in the Upper East Side."

"Got it."

Jenny placed a bored expression on her face, concealing her true concern that lay underneath the layer of her cool façade. "That dose of DnM's gonna last me a while."

Just at that moment, a door at the end of the hallway opened and Erik came trudging toward them.

"Ready to go?" Elliot asked, resting his hand on Erik's shoulder.

Erik nodded. "Just one question. How are we actually going to make it to your place without the media stalking us?"

"Don't worry, we've got it sorted. Come on," Jenny assured as she lead the way out of the room. She continued walking, making her way down some hallways with Elliot and Erik following behind.

"We got permission to use a side exit," Elliot explained to Erik. "They've made sure the media won't go near it."

"Here," Jenny confirmed as she spotted a security officer beckoning toward them.

The three hurriedly shuffled through the door the security officer unlocked for them. Once they were out in the open air, a familiar voice reached their ears.

"Hey, over here."

The speaker couldn't be seen through the darkness but there was no mistaking the voice of a Humphrey.

"Hey Dan," Jenny said.

"Get in," Dan told them. "We better get going before anyone finds us."

Everyone rapidly piled into Dan's car and in moments they were on their way.

"So, ah, you alright Erik?" Dan asked in his signature semi-awkward tone. "I uh heard things have been, well, crazy."

"I'm fine," Erik answered. "And, when aren't things crazy anyway?"

"Yeah," Dan agreed. "Well, it looks like we've escaped the paparazzi."

"Team Brooklyn wins," Jenny declared.

"What?" Elliot asked in confusion.

"Well, I figured we'd be skrewed within seconds if we called a limo to get us or if we hailed a cab," Jenny explained. "But who would think a van der Woodsen would be spotted leaving the hospital in a decrepit old car with peeling paint and has a missing side mirror?"

"It's not _that _delapidated," Dan protested unconvincingly for his voice lacked the confidence to substantiate his argument.

Before long, Dan pulled up at Elliot's apartment.

"Dan, thanks for driving us," Erik said as he got out of the car. "And Jen, thanks for everything. Are you staying at the Loft tonight?"

Jenny nodded.

"When are you leaving for Hudson? I'll see you off."

Jenny grinned. "Not so fast," she said mischievously. "You have to help me move my stuff back into the penthouse."

"You're moving back?" Erik exclaimed, unable to suppress the excitement in his voice. Sure, he wasn't at all cool with her for all the times she had been such a bitch but he also knew there was another side to her that she hid from others. He was prepared to give Jenny as many chances as she needed for her to come to accept her true self. Jenny; the girl who had no boundaries, who knew how to have fun and who never used to need to judge anyone. She was still an important family member and close friend.

"Call me," Jenny finally said, her eyes that gazed toward her step-brother from under the heavy layers of mascara were caring.

"I'll be seeing more of you then," Elliot said to Jenny with a small smile.

"You bet," Jenny returned. "I'm keeping an eye on you, so watch it."

Erik and Elliot waved as Dan rolled up the windows and pulled out onto the street.

"Let's go inside," Elliot murmured, taking Erik's arm as he made his way to the entrance of his apartment.


End file.
